why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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