I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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