i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
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