I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
