wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
that's an acceptable place to lick
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
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