i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
