he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I just gift wrapped bread.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
