He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
