I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
