As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
