I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
