I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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