The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I am naked and annoyed.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
