Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
