Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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