just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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