Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
