Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
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It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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