not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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