Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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