If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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