escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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