Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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