Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
