two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Randomize
