my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Randomize
