I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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