watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
