You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
