Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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