he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
