I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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