I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
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He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
We have started to decorate penises.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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