So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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