Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
