My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
this hospital has no fireball
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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