Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
