last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
