tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
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