I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
