hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
