I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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