I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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