I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
