Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
My bed smells like the plague
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
