I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
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hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
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I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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