At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
