Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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