I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
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Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
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Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
My lighter is stuck in my beard.