I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
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I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
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How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.