She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I think I just shit out all my problems.