I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Randomize
