i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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