you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
