i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
