I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
