I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
