the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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