What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
