Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
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