does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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