Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I am naked and annoyed.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
