thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
