before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
